Worst of the web: On the prowl for internships

The fall semester is almost over, and Jordan and I are just months away from graduation. Landing the perfect job or internship seems particularly important at this moment: If we get our paws on the right gig now we could make the big time in no time. Or at least fetch coffee for an important person.

There are lots of opportunities to choose from, but not all of them lead to the “great real-world experience!!!” they winningly promise. Here is a list of the internships and jobs you should avoid.

1. The part time sex-writing gig

I stumbled upon a little gem on Craigslist today: a kind gentleman by the name of James is offering 5 to 7 dollars to writers who can crank out “informative articles on all types of sex toys, including the benefits of using sex toys, the type of sex toys available and why sex toys are useful for solo use and in relationships too.”

5 to 7 whole dollars! And you could see your byline on an internet website! The reasons you should not do this job are fairly obvious. Besides the shitty pay, writing about sex toys might tarnish your reputation as a super-serious journalist. After this editorial debut, will people ever take your earnest book about public housing projects seriously? Probably not.

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2. The ‘Great Opportunity to Learn and Grow!’

These internship listings usually contain vague descriptions of the company’s beautifully restored offices in Chelsea: “stocked with free coffee and tea and a wonderful, creative staff!”

The listings usually continue something like this: “This internship is unpaid, but it’s not about the money! Interns will grow emotionally and intellectually as they experience the real world of fast-paced office marketing management in the exciting heart of New York City. Ideal candidates should have some experience with Microsoft Word and be a cheerful team player with a minimum 2.0 GPA.”

These offers are ubiquitous and Chelsea is a nice part of town, but let’s face it: You won’t add any skills to your already stellar command of Microsoft Office if you chain yourself to a desk to work for these eternal optimists.

3. The social media internship.

I’m still in awe of the fact that this is a real position at most companies. But there it is – you can pay your college thousands of dollars to get credit for … updating someone else’s Facebook page. Don’t do it!

4. The impossible nanny job.

Caring for an infant in a ritzy Upper East Side loft might seem easy, but some of the ma’s and pa’s looking for childcare on Craigslist are probably legally insane. These neurotic types should be avoided at all costs.

For example, a charming person by the name of Nycnanny2011 is currently trolling the site for a nurturing, college-educated person with at least two years of nanny experience AND a background in childhood development. Oh and this person must be fluent in French as well. I’m not remotely qualified for this position, but if I were, hopefully I would already be employed in a high-powered career far away from Nycnanny2011.

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5. “Organic farming and educating the local people in Kenya (Volunteer in Africa)”

I am going to go out on a limb here and guess that most of us know nothing about organic farming and nothing about Kenya and are completely unqualified to educate the local people in any way. This whole thing is problematic.

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— Arielle

Second Time’s The Charm

For whippersnappers like Arielle and I, the future is wide open. If we weren’t so neurotic we might be able to enjoy the possibilities, but that’s a bigger issue for another post.

As people get older, options seem to narrow, and changing life paths might appear impossible. That’s why I’m so interested in Christian Haag, a 30-year-old college junior (and a co-worker of mine) who proves a major exception.

After dropping out of Manhattanville College in 2002, Haag set out for Manhattan to discover himself. By 2010, he was a high-earning broker in the best real estate team in Brooklyn. He had spent the last five years climbing the ladder, and was living a very comfortable lifestyle at the top of the chain.

He was miserable.

Haag hated working on commission and he hated the pressure to sell apartments that he would never choose to live in himself. He felt like a phony.

One day on the way to work he had an epiphany: the time had come to change his life.

“I realized I was almost 30 and I was so unhappy where I was,” he said. “The thought of going one more day let alone decades of being unhappy just for the sake of making money… I couldn’t even fathom that.”

And so he set about the task of seeking happiness and earning less. Naturally, he applied to journalism school.

Affording tuition was easy. Getting accepted presented more of a challenge  — at Manhattanville, Haag had been unmotivated and received poor grades. Though his plan for reinvention was far from foolproof, Haag anticipated his last day at work on December 15.

“I literally went full steam ahead without any thought of saving or any thought of being accepted. I thought I had to do it for my own sanity and happiness,” he said.

Not a day too soon — December 14 —he received an acceptance letter from City College. Two years later, he’s the editor-in-chief of the student newspaper and has a 4.0 GPA.

Thanks perhaps to his youthful energy, Haag usually slips under the radar of his 20-year-old classmates.

“People are always surprised at my age. I don’t even know what 30 is supposed to look like,” he said. “I don’t usually offer up my age right away. I don’t really care. Whatever. I’m 30.”

With an internship at New York’s 24-hour news station, NY1, he is closer than ever to his goal of becoming a broadcast journalist.

After just a week and a half on the job, Haag realized a lifelong dream. When a reporter couldn’t attend the premier of Jennifer Aniston’s new film, “Five,” Haag took his place. That night, he stood next to reporters from Access Hollywood and E! and interviewed all the stars on the red carpet.

“It’s not just exciting talking to Jennifer Aniston,” he said. “I have the same interest in talking to someone on the side of the street who is a cancer survivor or whatever the case may be. I‘m just generally interested in people.”

It’s that love that makes his second journey up the ladder seems less like a climb and more like a trip.

“Honestly I know it sounds so lame, but in the grand scheme of things, I’m still very young,” he said. “It’s never too late to want to be happy.”

Platitudes about happiness and dreams are corny, but that doesn’t make them any less true. Haag’s story helps me believe that even if I make the wrong choice at the end of my college career, it’s not the end of the world.

And that’s an important lesson, even if, ultimately, I’ll revert to freaking out in about a day or so.

— Jordan